Written by: Brad Pedersen

A few weeks ago I sat down and went through my annual ritual. You know the one; that uncomfortable inventory where you pull out your goals and measure them against reality.

As I stared at my list, I was grateful that I had achieved some of what I had planned. However, in addition, I also felt that familiar knot in my stomach….that sense of falling short.  

I started cataloging all the ways I'd missed the mark, feeling a sense of guilt that I accomplished less than what I had hoped.

As I reflected further, I started to identify a pattern. I saw how my goals had me committed across multiple roles, where I had spread myself thin. Instead of doing only a few things great, I was doing a bunch of things mediocre; leading to missed goals and with that, feeding a sense of inadequacy.

I have come to learn that this is a common pattern among achievers, especially those who identify with being perfectionists (which I do). It results in people taking on too much and as a result, a feeling that they are failing at all of them.

The question this realization prompted: “what if the answer to making 2026 a better year is less and not more?” And what if part of that means setting a list of anti-resolutions? In other words, a list of things to let go.

Understanding the Real Enemy

I recently listened to an interview with Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author of How To Be Yourself.  What she said that caught my attention is that perfectionism is actually a misnomer. We think it's about striving to be perfect, but instead, perfectionism is about never feeling good enough.

At first glance, perfectionism can look healthy. Setting high standards. Working hard. Caring deeply. There's even a personality trait called conscientiousness, which is the healthy heart of perfectionism; the tendency to do things well, to be thoroughly diligent and responsible. When kept in balance, this trait is actually one of the best predictors of both objective and subjective success in life.

However, Dr. Hendriksen explains there is a point when perfectionism tips from healthy to harmful, when it turns into harsh self-criticism and over-evaluation. 

Over-evaluation is when we conflate who we are with what we do. Our performance becomes a referendum on our character. I did good equals I am good and I did bad equals I am bad. 

And when performance falters (as it inevitably will) our sense of identity crumbles with it. 

We are no longer just facing a setback in results; we are questioning our value as a person. It is the hidden cost of over-evaluation, and it is why so many achievers quietly carry the weight of insecurity.

Where Does This Come From?

Dr. Hendriksen outlined four types of families that often give rise to perfectionism..

The first is the overly cautious, rule-following family. Think Marlin from Finding Nemo, where fear of failure keeps everyone tightly wound.

The second is the perfectionistic family itself. High-achieving, driven, where excellence is expected and success is rarely celebrated because there’s always a higher rung to reach.

The third is the one I most resonate with: families where love is subtly tied to performance. In these homes, love and pride become conflated. Love should be unconditional, but pride must be earned. And if you’re only seen when you’re succeeding, that distinction gets blurry fast.

Finally, there are chaotic families. In those environments, kids often cope by trying to control what they can, using perfectionism as a defense against unpredictability.

I grew up in a home where hard work wasn’t just encouraged; it was expected. My father was deeply goal-oriented, a man of discipline and drive who believed that anything worth doing was worth doing with excellence. He taught me to set big goals, pursue them relentlessly, and never settle for “good enough.”

But somewhere along the way, a subtle but powerful message took root in me: if it wasn’t hard, and it wasn’t done with excellence, it didn’t count. I came to associate achievement with approval. I felt most loved by my father not when I simply existed as his son, but when I accomplished something that met his high standards. 

In my life that’s where the seed of perfectionism was planted.  But perfectionism isn’t just a personal or family-driven phenomenon, there’s something much bigger at work within our society.  We live in a culture that glorifies hustle and worships achievement. It’s an economic system wired to stretch human limits, always pushing us to do more, earn more, and be more. 

We’re rewarded for exceeding expectations, even if it comes at the cost of our health, our relationships, and our sense of peace.  Somewhere along the way, we collectively began to believe that our value lies in what we produce.

The Three Flavors of Never Enough

There are three kinds of perfectionism, and chances are, you'll recognize yourself in at least one.

Self-Oriented perfectionism is when we're hard on ourselves. We set impossible standards and beat ourselves up when we fall short. 

Other-Oriented perfectionism is when we're hard on others. We hold everyone else to the same impossible standards we hold ourselves to, which tends to destroy relationships. 

And finally there's Socially Prescribed perfectionism; when we feel others are hard on us. This one has spiked dramatically since 2005, which happens to be right when Facebook launched.

Social media didn't just amplify this problem, it created a new version of it. Now we're constantly comparing our “back of stage” reality to everyone else's “front of stage,” highlight reel. We see someone’s perfectly curated life and feel like we're falling behind, feeding the lie that we need to perform to get people to like us.

But think about it for a second. Why are your real friends (not your deal friends) your friends? Is it because of what you own or how you perform? Or is it because of how you make them feel; connected, supported, and seen? 

The lie of perfectionism is that we need to double down on performance to earn our way in life, rather than focusing on what we all truly crave: genuine connection.

The Hidden Cost

Here's what happens when we get pulled into performance mode. We start doing what Dr. Hendriksen calls it perfectionistic self-presentation. 

We only show what's going well. We hide what's going poorly. We hide the mess, but in doing so, we come across as unrelatable, superhuman, and intimidating. The very thing we're trying to achieve; connection and acceptance, becomes impossible because we've isolated ourselves behind a wall of performance. 

This then can lead to several mental health challenges, masquerading as ambition but delivering something far more damaging.  It prompts physical symptoms manifesting as stress, depression, anxiety, and this nagging sense that no matter what we achieve, it's never quite enough. 

But ironically when we do show some of the mess, it signals two important things. 

First, I trust you to see this. 

And second, we are the same. 

It lets others know I'm like you and this relationship isn't hierarchical.  And that leads to something we're all actually craving; not just another achievement but rather a real meaningful connection.

Can You Actually Change This?

So the question becomes: can we unlearn perfectionism?

The honest answer is that some brains are just wired to be more perfectionistic. But Dr. Hendriksen offers hope. It starts with awareness, after which we can choose not to tune into it. It's like the music in an elevator or at a coffee shop, it's there, and you can hear it, but you don't need to acknowledge it.

This leads to what psychologists call cognitive defusion; essentially creating some distance from the content of our thoughts. These thoughts are just going through our head however we don't need to get caught up in them. We can observe them without believing them.

Then there's self-acceptance and this is how my brain is wired.  I can accept that I'm genetically wired this way without letting it control my actions. This required us to have some self-compassion. Talking to yourself like a good friend would. 

It should be easy and gentle, just a quiet reminder to yourself: “You’re okay.” While we can’t always control the thoughts that pass through our minds, we can control the meaning we assign to them. As Martin Luther once said, “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”

The Opposite of Control Isn't Chaos

As a perfectionist, I like control. However here's something that recently has impacted the way I think: 

The opposite of control is not out of control; the opposite of control is trust.

Learning to trust the people around us is an important but hard step. Trusting that we don't need to do it all. Trusting that others are capable. Trusting that the world won't fall apart if we aren't holding it all together.

This also means separating who people are from what they do. Pride is earned, but love is freely given. You can fail at what you do, but you will never fail at my love for you. When we internalize that truth, for ourselves and for others, perfectionism starts to lose its grip.

So here's what I'm proposing for 2026. Instead of adding more resolutions, more commitments, more things to prove, what if we created a list of things to let go; an anti-resolution list? 

What if we let go of the need to be exceptional at everything? 

What if we stopped trying to keep up with everyone else's highlight reel? 

What if we released the belief that your worth is tied to your output? 

What if we gave ourselves permission to do a few things well instead of everything adequately?

This isn't about lowering our standards, rather it's about raising our quality of life. It's about choosing depth over breadth and in the process, protecting the relationships that matter by being present instead of performing.

Final Thoughts: Reflect and Realign

As we step into 2026, maybe the most radical thing we can do is slow down. 

Stop taking on more. 

Stop proving. 

Stop performing. 

And start trusting that who you are is already enough.

Before you make your list of what you want to achieve this year, I want to invite you to make a different list first. Write down what you want to let go of. 

What expectations are you carrying that aren't yours? What roles are you playing that don't fit? What achievements are you chasing that don't actually matter to you?

Let go of those first. Then, from a clearer, lighter place, decide what truly deserves your attention.  

Because at the end of the day, the best investment you can make isn't in doing more; it's in being more present in what actually matters. And for that to happen it starts with letting go of everything that doesn't.

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