Written by Brad Pedersen

When I first met Kelly, I was awestruck. She was stunning, smart, confident and as it would turn out we had plenty in common. The first time I saw her in the hallways at the college we attended, I was apprehensive to approach her—especially since she had a tall, handsome and intimidating boyfriend.  However, something inside me said that if I didn’t at least try, I would regret it forever.

A little while later, fate gave me an opportunity. She was in the auditorium of the school, chatting with someone from one of my classes.  I walked over, joined the conversation, and introduced myself. That decision would ultimately change my life.

From the moment we met, I was totally and utterly captivated by her and I put my heart and soul into winning her over.  Every week I bought her flowers and I would spontaneously show up at her work happily delivering some of her favorite treats. I evenI cashed in my limited student savings, in order to take her on over-the-top dates, like flying her to the city for dinner followed by climbing and then camping on a snowy mountain peak.

For three years, we built a relationship full of excitement and adventure, including the above photo from one of our trips to Vancouver. I knew she was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and so in February of 2004, I proposed to her while ice-climbing in the Canadian Rockies.  

It was a romantic start, but little did I know that romance alone wasn't going to be enough to sustain our relationship.

What Went Wrong

When we were first married, I was on track to become a chiropractor. However along the way, I caught the entrepreneurial bug and launched a few different ventures. Kelly had started her own career working for the city and her income became the seed capital that helped get the businesses off the ground.

Anyone familiar with starting a startup knows how much time and energy it demands. As the business began to gain traction, it gradually consumed more of my time and attention. Without realizing it, I fell into a common trap—I stopped doing the things that had made Kelly fall in love with me in the first place. I began to take our relationship for granted, and instead of nurturing it, I funneled all my focus and energy into growing the business.

Eventually, the business grew to a point where Kelly and I could work together. As a result I convinced myself that through business, we were investing quality time together as a couple. Reflecting back, I now see that most of our time was transactional—centered around tasks, deadlines, and work-related conversations, not on nurturing our relationship.

I openly stated that Kelly and our marriage was a priority, however my calendar told a different story based on where I invested my time. I convinced myself that it was okay because I was working hard for her and our future family, but deep down, I knew it wasn’t that simple. 

My insecurities and constant need for validation had me chasing success in business, leaving little room for what I now realize mattered most. I was so focused on proving my worth by achieving results in business that I failed to see how my skewed priorities were resulting in neglect for the most important relationship in my life.

I had taken Kelly for granted. I no longer saw her as the incredible gift she was and started treating her as a given. 

The Danger of Familiarity

I’ve learned that comfort can be dangerous in a relationship. When you assume your partner will always be there, you stop appreciating them and neglect the small efforts that sparked your original connection. What once felt exciting and intentional slowly fades into routine.

The truth is, the opposite of love isn’t hate—it’s indifference. Relationships rarely fall apart because of a single, explosive event.  They unravel quietly when both people stop putting in the effort to care.  How does divorce happen? Very slowly…..and then all at once.

Kelly and I were heading down that path. On the surface we were projecting that we were the perfect entrepreneurial couple who had the world figured out. However secretly we were struggling, largely driven by my insecurities and needs for external validation through business.

Our turning point came when our business went into financial distress and eventually filed for bankruptcy.  Ironically one of our greatest moments of grief in business became the greatest gift for our relationship.  As painful as that experience was, the failure forced me to stop, step back and reflect on what truly mattered. I realized that above all else, our relationship provided the stability and foundation upon which everything else I wanted was to be built. 

That moment also gave us a common mission and the motivation to rally together and rebuild—not just our lives, but our connection with each other.

How We Turned Things Around

After the chaos we faced with the business, one of the most important changes we were to make was committing to a weekly, non-negotiable time for us to connect. Whether it’s a walk outside or a conversation over coffee, we consistently prioritize this time to engage on a deeper level. 

Our conversations go beyond schedules and surface-level small talk—we focus on creating space for dialogue that moves us past the superficial and opens up what is truly significant.

We call this process cultivating our GARDEN, an acronym that guides us as follows:

G - Gratitude: We begin by reflecting on what went well over the past week. This could be something as simple as appreciating the beauty around us or recalling a special moment we shared together. Expressing gratitude helps ground us, allowing us to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship and set a tone of abundance for the conversation.

A - Assessment: We each take turns doing a personal evaluation of how we showed up in our different roles over the past week. I reflect on my roles as a husband, father, lover, and provider, while Kelly assesses herself as a wife, mother, lover, and home manager. (Your roles may be different depending on your situation.) We follow a simple framework of responding to the following questions: What worked? Where did we fall short? What are we working on to improve moving forward? These questions encourage self awareness, followed by the opportunity to be accountable for how we expect to show up in the future. 

R - Response and Recognition: After completing our assessments, we take time to respond and appreciate one another by affirming what was shared and adding specific examples of moments where the other person did something exceptional. This step is uplifting and helps reinforce the positive behaviors we want to see continue..

D - Difficulties: We only grow when we are in relationships especially where there is candor and vulnerability. With that in mind, we give each other permission to identify and discuss any issues that we believe might be holding us back from growth. This is done through appreciative inquiry (asking questions) and is not about blame but rather acting as a catalyst to help each other see possible blind spots. This requires balancing love and truth—Love without truth lands soft; whereas truth without love will land hard. It is about being honest without being intentionally hurtful.

E - Engagements: We review the week ahead to create awareness and then discuss how we can support each other. Whether it’s coordinating schedules or preparing for upcoming events, this step keeps us aligned, clear about our needs and helps prevent any unexpected surprises.

N - Nurture: We prioritize in our schedule booking meaningful time together.  This includes our weekly date night (we take turns planning it as a surprise to each other) other fun activities and future family outings. For us, this step often includes prayer, where we ask God for protection, guidance and a blessing over us and our family.

The Power of Small Consistent Efforts

When I was a kid, my parents had a large garden that we worked in every summer. We were involved in every step—cultivating the soil, planting the seeds, and keeping the weeds away as the garden grew. It took discipline and consistency, but with time and effort, we always reaped a rewarding harvest.

In much the same way, I’ve found that this weekly practice has transformed our relationship. The results of our effort show up as peace, joy, trust, and intimacy. It has become a powerful tool for improving communication, which has deepened our connection. Just like tending a garden, great relationships don’t happen by chance—they thrive through consistent effort and intentional care.

Three decades later, Kelly is still my wife, and she continues to be the greatest blessing in my life. This past year, we celebrated 30 years of marriage. Our journey has been far from perfect. We’ve experienced misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection and business challenges that could have blown us apart.  That said the most insidious force that worked against us was created by letting the seed of apathy set in.  Fortunately, before it was too late, we faced the growing apathy head-on. We learned to navigate our struggles by being intentional about prioritizing each other which started by creating a weekly safe space for consistent open and honest communication.  

Final Thoughts: Don’t Take Love for Granted

If there’s one thing I hope you take away from my story, it’s this: Never take your partner for granted. Relationships thrive when we are actively engaged in them and when we see each other as gifts, not guarantees.

If you’ve drifted apart, it’s not too late to reconnect. Start small. Show appreciation for each other and make time for meaningful conversations together. I suggest that an easy approach is to integrate the GARDEN framework into your weekly routine as so many of my friends and colleagues now do. 

Eden Ahbez once said: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” With that in mind the most valuable investments you’ll ever make is not in your career or your bank account—it is in the people you love and who love you in return.

I encourage you to cultivate and nurture your marital garden, and you’ll harvest greater intimacy, love, and joy by building a deeper, more meaningful connection with your spouse!

Brad Pedersen

Vijay Krishnan

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