Around 1910, the story goes, the London Times requested essay submissions responding to the prompt “What is wrong with the world?” Author and philosopher G.K. Chesterton wrote 4 words in reply: Dear sirs, I am.
Over 100 years later, this is still one of the hardest things to see (and then admit); that often the source of
the problems I face in my daily life is me. This isn’t about heaping shame or a perfectionist mindset on anyone, but rather to acknowledge that it’s much easier to blame someone else or something else for the issues we’re dealing with, than to deal with the glaring truth that we are often the author of our own dissatisfaction.
Ironically, we have little to no control over the external circumstances; including the environment, people or the
macro trends in the market. What we have under our control is our own behaviour, which includes what we think, say, feel (our initial feeling will always be felt) and then what we choose to do.
Therefore, the wise and mature leader always asks themselves about themselves. And one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is this: who do I think I am?
In chapter 4 of Startup Santa, we tease out this question by naming something we are starting to talk more about in discussions of this nature, the imposter phenom which has since become known as the imposter syndrome. This can be defined as the feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, not feeling like one belongs in the room or at the table, a fear of being discovered as a fraud.
While this is a real experience for many entrepreneurs and leaders, often the solution offered is too simplistic. The response given to those who struggle/admit the imposter syndrome is to “believe in yourself,” or “act like you belong” or “think positive.” In other words, it’s identified simply as a problem of confidence. But treating this as a lack of confidence won’t fix the issues that imposter syndrome is creating in your relationships
and ventures primarily because it will keep you from looking deeper. WHY do I have imposter syndrome and what are the inner beliefs that are driving these feelings? If a leader cannot answer that question, they might in fact gain confidence and be even less able to see how their own behaviours and responses are doing damage to their business or relationships. Contrived confidence in oneself can actually work against being honest with yourself and
only temporarily sugar coat the real issue.
The problem may not be a confidence issue. It may be an identity issue.
This might have less to do with believing in yourself and more to do with knowing yourself.
Knowing who I am means:
Knowing my past: the wounds of childhood, the things I lacked or the defining experiences of my early years.
Knowing my instinctive (but perhaps unhealthy) ways of dealing with conflict, rejection, failure or loss.
Knowing the reasons why others consider that I am controlling, too passive or perhaps indecisive under pressure.
Knowing how I define success and why it matters to me.
From experience, these wounds, instincts or motivations are not always immediately apparent; in part because they’ve been operating under the surface of our lives for a long period of time. The above self-knowledge isn’t about gaining confidence but about understanding what has formed our sense of self; who I think I am, the me I want to be…and
WHY.
When we identify these things about ourselves, they put us in a position to honestly consider how they might be negatively impacting the opportunities we imagine, the goals we set and the relationships we invest into and how they subsequently become formative to our lives.
They also allow us to begin to make the changes necessary.
We can see that though we’re products of our past we don’t need to be prisoners of it. Our history of challenges are not there to define us but rather to refine our inner character.
We can seek healing and then extract the wisdom from these wounds.
We can identify the lies spoken about us or to us often from our own inner talk.
We can stop trying to fill a void that was created by a season of deprivation.
We can learn to respond to conflict, disappointment and loss in healthy ways.
We can see some of the unhealthy or compulsive habits in our lives as insufficient substitutes for true satisfaction.
We only grow
while in relationship. To that end a starting point for our self awareness should be to surround ourselves with the right people and be in a position to ask our friends, a trusted professional and God for help.
Daring to admit that “the problem (might be) me” should be the start of a journey that ultimately could be the beginning of a breakthrough on your journey of becoming the best version of yourself.
